On Charlie Brown and General Conference

[A brief scene from October, 2010]

            “Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?” The words seemed to just linger in the air as I listened to Boyd K. Packer's conference talk.

                                             

            “What did he just say? Why? Why? WHY?” Rage…absolute, primal rage tore through my entire soul. Did that man…an apostle…just say all those horrific and condemning things about gays while I was sitting here just now...in my own home listening to General Conference? Tears were not capable of being held back. I could not breathe. I literally wished I could have struck him in my anger and frustration. Boyd K. Packer had always been a source of pain for me…but this…this was too much. I wanted with all of my heart to shout aloud all kinds of unkind and hateful things about his condemning words. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, “HOW DO YOU KNOW, IF YOU ARE NOT GAY LIKE ME?!” But I couldn’t. The uncontrollable scene of frustration I was experiencing inside my head was unobservable to my family around me…my wife of 15 years whom I adored with all of my heart, and my three growing sons…because I was totally in the closet. And my response to those awful words had hit critical mass after 20 years as an adult in the LDS church because, you see, I had just been finishing two weeks of largely secret counseling to get help so that I would NOT complete the suicide attempts that had started to come weekly the month before. I still had many hidden bruises on my left arm from the deep arterial open IV line that I had started on myself (I am a nurse) two weeks before in an effort to end this suffering that, in Mr. Packer’s view, I had willingly chosen. I somehow…had chosen this. Who…in all their right mind…would choose this if they were Mormon, married, and a father to three sons?

            It has been three years since those treacherous and life-threatening times. So much healing, health, joy…previously unknown to me…is now mine. I honestly almost cannot believe that such dark thoughts ever occupied my mind. Ending my own life seems like an unfathomable idea, and yet I still know precisely what it is like to feel that much despair and hopelessness. And that knowledge gives me access to the world in both a good and bad way. You see…it allows me to speak with perfect credibility to those who also feel such despair. And with that empathy and compassion I can, hopefully, spread love and hope and understanding to those in the darkest places. Of course, that is absolutely a good thing.

            The bad…the bad…how do I explain the bad? The bad side of that suicidal period is that it was the culmination of years of abuse and attack over and over again in my experiences in the church. And when we experience traumatic events…especially over and over and over…an unfortunate and curious thing happens to our brain and body chemistry: we live in a state of ‘fight or flight’ that can be triggered at any moment by people, events, activities, places, even specific dates that mark trauma-related anniversaries...and well, a host of other things that can be anticipated, or worse…that come out of absolutely no-where.

            I think it worth taking a brief moment to describe this brain-body experience. It is not hard to relate to really…everyone experiences this from time-to-time. It is part of humanity and in most circumstances…it is extremely helpful in keeping us safe from harm in perceived danger.

            Here goes: you see, our brain has really deep, primal areas that function to prevent us from harm. These parts of our brain are tied directly to our heart, lungs, senses, veins and arteries through the Central Nervous System (CNS). When we feel danger…something in the environment that could harm us…our CNS is activated in what is called a ‘sympathetic nervous response’. That is neuroscience talk for ‘fight or flight.’ We all know what this feels like. We hear a frighteningly loud sound…cross paths with someone that we have reason to fear…are caught by surprise by a harmful insect or animal. And then our protective brain goes to work: our heart feels like it has had a burst of electricity too hard to contain; it feels forceful and burns and beats in a way that is totally out of control. Our skin becomes cold…then hot…then cold…we may even sweat as all of our veins get larger to pour blood into our muscles. Our senses become highly acute: we see and hear seemingly everything around us in a way to navigate the perilous environment. Our breathing becomes rapid and deep…we need oxygen if we are going to make a rapid escape. All of those things happen so that we can quickly respond and remain safe to what we perceive as a threat. All we want is to be in a safe place…and to be there as rapidly as possible to recover from the major flood of stress hormones that have taken over your body. When we do make it and we calm down…we tend to be very fatigued…everything in our body slowly returns to normal; except when we experience fight or flight over and over. Then…things don’t quite ever return to the way our bodies were before.

            We have learned, largely from our fighting men and women in the military services, that when we have our CNS stimulated in this way repeatedly we may never fully recover and go about feeling normal or safe in our environments. Our senses become so acute and our hormones so quick to be released that they can cripple us at almost any time. We can anticipate some of these things…which we call ‘triggers’ or we can be taken totally by surprise. Psychologists have come to give these more severe experiences the name Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), or variations (PTS) etc. I think we would be hard pressed to find anyone currently in our culture who was unaware of this phenomenon. But only those who experience it can truly know how debilitating and life-changing it is for a person. Imagine…if you can…that many times a day, week, month…your entire system loses control in this ‘chemical fire.’ Imagine how unpleasant, volatile, depressed, anxious, and fearful you must be when out in the world in your daily life; not knowing when you will feel terror like that again, but knowing it is coming. Over time…we may or may not find our way to greater health. Eventually, the experiences of fight or flight may not be as frequent; we may have discovered many of our triggers; we may even have found ways to take back control of our CNS by internal means (like meditation, intentional breathing) or by external means (avoidance of triggering environments, situations, or people). Of course when it does happen…how must that look to those around us? We certainly must seem aggressive; anxious, overly dramatic, unreasonable…even hostile…as we work so hard to protect ourselves and feel safe in the everyday life that seems so utterly peaceful to those around us. It must seem very odd to the unaffected: the trauma suffers live in the same place; but have very, very different worlds.

            And so…having given a bit of a lesson in physiology and psychology, I can turn to the deeper subject at hand: Charlie Brown.

            Many of us who are at least over the age of 30, are intimately familiar with Charlie Brown and his often piteous life. As a child of the 1970s, Charlie was somewhat at the height of his fame. We saw Charlie and his friends daily or weekly in the comics of the newspaper. Kept up with Snoopy and Woodstock (who honestly were my favorites!) and non-so-patiently awaited the seasonal arrival of the whole gang in the all-too-rare television specials. Ahh…who can forget the Great Pumpkin?! And…no matter what the situation, poor Charlie Brown was left to experience the short end of many sticks: No Valentine’s Day cards; rocks for candy at Halloween; the SADDEST looking little Christmas tree…oy…poor Charlie. Watching those year after year after year…I think it is safe to say we all hoped that some wonderful magic would occur. And even though we knew he still would get no cards or candy or accolades…somehow we just hoped with our whole souls that this time we when we watched…somehow…it would be different. And Charlie ---who was probably one of the nicest kids of that entire gang and utterly loveable---would open that mailbox and one full metric ton of Valentine love would pour out.

            I think this eventually led to a great deal of frustration within me. Man…every time I would see Lucy and a football for example (which was OFTEN throughout the year) I would cringe. “Dear Heavenly Father…this time…please…let Lucy be nice or at least let Charlie be good enough to finally kick that ball higher and farther than anyone ever had before!” Of course…sigh…disappointment. I really honestly came to resent Lucy. She was so darned mean! It got to the point that anytime I’d even see her character I’d get that feeling she was going to do something awful to poor Charlie. She didn’t always act that way…at times she seemed to act somewhat civilly and I was a bit surprised; surprised enough that I’d have a glimmer of hope that THIS time…she would not move the football. Especially when she when she would coax him with seemingly kind and supportive words.

            Poor Charlie Brown! I often would feel just like him as a kid watching or reading about the football set-up. I would feel myself in his body…determined to make it this time. Determined that I would find a way to be successful and kick that silly football. I felt my heart race as he ran…as though I was running…I was holding my breath with tension…so tight. Here he comes! Then “WOOSH”…there he would go, flailing helplessly in the air, as if the rug had been suddenly pulled out from under him. Tumbling…I could feel his embarrassment…my face would get red. I would feel at once so foolish and angry…so hurt for poor Charlie. And then he would land with a huge thud. That impact must just have shaken every bone in his body…and with a head that size (you were thinking it too) I could only imagine the headache that kid had. At the same time…as I grew…my empathy waned a bit while I came to think…why on earth does he keep falling for this? When is he going to realize it will always be that way? When will he finally end the pain and humiliation and just walk away from Lucy when she calls out to him to come and give the ball a kick?

            Obviously, Charlie Brown is relatively lighthearted exemplar of common childhood challenges. However, it is a great metaphor. And when used along with the understanding of trauma triggers it is useful in understanding the lived experiences of many LGBT persons as they navigate every interaction and encounter; every place, and activity of the church. Years and years of harmful comments; fearful anti-gay rhetoric; discussions of sin and perfection; bishops’ interviews; church youth dances and camps; quorum meetings; home and visiting teaching visits; the frequent focus on families and salvation…the cumulative message that you are not ever going to be enough; that you are ‘less than’. And of course, when you are in the closet and even after coming out…it is likely that you encounter these minefields of danger in every setting.

            And in that context and moment you feel your body triggered and you experience your nervous system take over. “DO THEY KNOW? DO THEY SUSPECT? I could never share this…never…I would lose everything…my friends, my family…my church…my salvation. This would destroy my life. I’ll never be one of them. I will never be good enough. I will never have a family. How can I go to the stake dance when I will have to stand there and watch everyone around me enjoy dancing with something they have feelings for…when I cannot? How can they stand there right in front of me and say something like that?  Oh great…another talk on being a good husband/wife and how precious your spouse is to you and how glad you are for families and know that your salvation is, at least, possible because of your marriage in the temple.”  If you are out to your family and ward, you may still feel these triggers evolve into similar or different ones. Regardless of your disclosure status, when a trigger occurs, you become flooded with fight or flight chemicals and your body is no longer your own. You want to flee…but there is no escape. No way to let it out. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.

            The most unfortunate thing about this is that we are taught from our youth that it is within our homes, families, churches, and temples that we can and should feel safe. It is with these people and in these places we are constantly told we are protected, loved, and cared for. It is in these holy places that we are supposed to stand, become immersed, and serve those around us. These sacrament meetings, hallways, Sunday School lessons, temples…they are supposed to be our perfect sanctuaries. And often they can be; and often they are. But like Lucy to Charlie Brown…they are just positive enough that we go on, thinking it may be different next time. And kick the proverbial ball and find ourselves once again triggered to feel, self-loathing, fear, humiliation, and pain. We go…again and again and again to these places that feel like sanctuary to all those unknowing persons around us; places that seem so warm, friendly, inviting and inspiring only to be confronted with that horrific response of flight…again and again and again. Enough to keep you feeling hopeful that things might change…that there may be a day when you truly become ‘enough’ and accepted without reservations…and that all things are just, equal among the Saints. And then, predictably, that hope and peace is totally swiped away and we find ourselves tumbling in the air bracing for the impact that is sure to follow.

            And so…many gay members who live this experience day after day, week after week, year after year develop something akin to the PTSD of our military counterparts. All one needs to do at a certain point is say words to me like “General Conference” and I am immediately transported back to that terrible moment when, in all the strength I could muster NOT to take my life, a church leader stood in front of me condemning me for what I had ‘chosen’ to be. Of course, the church immediately clarified the content of that talk and removed the thoughts that had been expressed which were not in accord with the church policies on the matter. But it makes no difference. The trigger is set. It became set in that moment of silent rage when Boyd K. Packer’s words rung in my ears with such ferocity, that I had to overcome the most intense flight response I had ever experienced: the most intense need to commit suicide and put a final end to it all. The strength of the urge to die upon hearing those words was frightening. I cannot imagine how many of us experienced something like that in that moment. And if not in that moment, some other General Conference moment. Or temple interview moment. Or Family Home Evening Moment. Or Relief Society moment. Or Elder’s Quorum campout moment. Or foyer moment. Or family home evening moment. Or youth dance moment. The truth is…all LGBT LDS persons have had those moments; most of us over and over and over. Enough so, that even in what seems the most pleasant conference session or sacrament meeting to our straight family and friends around us, many of our hearts are racing, our skin sweating, our fears peaking, our anger and frustration rising, our desire to flee almost completely overwhelming us: a silent battlefield; a desperate need to protect ourselves.

            And this is why…for many LGBT LDS persons…we leave the church. It may appear self-indulgent. It may appear faithless. It may appear weak. It may appear angry. It may appear bitter or resentful. But I would like to offer a different interpretation: that it is as a protective response; a need to remove from our environment all of the triggers that instantly rob our bodies of the feelings of love, safety and peace. We must take control of our environments since we often lose our place of safety. Just speaking from my own experience of triggers, I dread the first weeks of April and October when it becomes time for General Conference. I know that my social media will begin to fill with pictures and quotes of authorities; and that feeling of panic sets in…fight or flight mode…that can be triggered by anything from the sound of a pipe organ to a picture of temple square. These things, which bring such beauty and inspiration to most, trigger horrific panic and physical symptoms for many of us. Not always, to be sure. But it is not uncommon. Goodness…I was even triggered this summer when my middle son turned 14 because it occurred to me that the ward leaders would start showing up to talk about advancing him in the priesthood. Honestly…every phone call or door knock that came around that time sent irrational washes of adrenaline racing through my heart.

            And so…with the programming set…we withdraw to protect. We find other means of fulfilling our spirits while avoiding the triggers that cause terror, anxiety, and protective anger within us. We may no longer attend church; we may remove our names and scour our homes removing all things church related…just so we can survive with a measure of peace. And you know what? Many of us are successful. We do move forward. Our traumas and responses diminish…not entirely and not globally, though for many…comfortably. But the mind/body/trigger connections are made. And they are real. And often only after much professional help we learn to take control of our bodies back…though we will likely always experience some level of response to triggers. And I just want all of my friends out there reading this to know that even with the tides and messages that seem to be turning toward compassion for folks like me…some of us will simply never be able to expose ourselves to those environments and have a healthy response again. And some of us may view every messaging attempt by the church to engage gays no different than Lucy calling to Charlie Brown. And some of us may never be capable or even desirous of engagement with these triggering people, places, and activities again. Of course, this is not true for all LGBT LDS persons. I would never presume to speak for each and every such person with an LDS background. Nor is it true that every one of us experiences these trauma responses with the same degree or frequency. Some people will have found a different path of coping in LDS life and participation without separation. But many, many more of us have not, and likely cannot, no matter how friendly the call.

The Prison of Appearances: Evil, Good, Impossibility and Shame

The Use of the Term “Evil”

During the time I was dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, I remember distinctly a winter formal dance that she and I were jointly responsible for executing at the University of Oregon for the Latter-day Saint (LDS) campus youth. I focused on catering the event, Stephanie focused on design and music and we had a wonderful time. Because it was a formal dance near the holidays, we felt it would be a great idea to serve sparkling cider later in the evening.
At one point, in a staging area set up for photos, a number of our own little social group members…friends in senior year…gathered with what turned out to be wine glasses in hand for a wonderful group picture fit for all the scrapbooks. I had very little notice…literally getting pulled into the frame by Stephanie and as I saw the camera setting up I immediately panicked. I thought to myself “I am trying to be a righteous man and if I get caught in this photo with this wine glass it could ruin my life…there would be permanent, unexplainable evidence of me...standing in a group of people…appearing to be drinking. I CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN!” And so I stopped the photo…I am certain my friends felt me to be a totally self-righteous fool for making everyone put away the glasses which held nothing more than fizzy apple juice simply because I couldn’t bear the thought of even appearing to do evil. EVIL…I could never be caught associating with evil.
I completely acknowledge that by the commitments of the LDS world, it is against the teachings and beliefs to drink wine. But...does it actually qualify as evil to drink a glass of wine or to even appear to drink a glass of wine? Religious groups of all types prescribe and proscribe many practices that are designed to assist people to apply self-control, preserve health and family, and develop mindfulness in daily life. I do not argue with the LDS faith that the directive for members to abstain from alcohol is self-justifying and completely appropriate for their faith pathway. I myself come from a multigenerational line of alcoholics. I know the destruction possible through alcohol. The statements I am about to make here are not to imply that I feel that it is either right or wrong to drink wine. That is a question that must be answered by each and every individual within or without a faith background to make. This is true of all obligations and aspects of religious life. My question is simply, does the act of drinking a glass of wine, qualify as truly evil given the actual definitions of the word?
The Oxford Dictionary defines the term evil as profound immorality or wickedness. The LDS Bible Dictionary does not offer a definition of the term evil, however the Topical Guide offers the following synonyms related to the term: abomination ; bad ; carnal mind ; devil ; evildoer ; filthiness ; iniquity ; sin ; transgress ; wickedness. The Doctrine and Covenants, an essential part of the LDS scriptural cannon, makes associations between evil and action:

8. We believe that the commission of crime should be punished according to the nature of the offense; that murder, treason, robbery, theft, and the breach of the general peace, in all respects, should be punished according to their criminality and their tendency to evil among men…(Doctrine and Covenants 134:8)

         What I gather from these sacred and secular definitions and applications of the term evil is that it is not a casual adjective to use. It implies grave, moral offense. Evil is linked not only to specific acts such as murder and treason, but it is also linked to outcomes of spiritual filthiness and iniquity. Evil is a term that should be reserved for the very darkest aspects of humanity. In my mind evil is best defined as the use of one’s own body, abilities or consciousness to cruelly harm or deprive another of life, health, choice, esteem, and hope. Evil, to me, is intentional and acts that are evil in character are those whose outcomes are so destructive and harmful that restitution is difficult at best, if not entirely impossible.
But something disturbingly uncomfortable happens when the term evil is used in the statement to avoid even the appearance of evil. The oldest Christian reference I can find for this statement is in the New Testament book of First Thessalonians: “Abstain from all appearance of evil (1 Thess 5:22)”. In the modern era…this teaching was introduced by Harold B. Lee and utilized many times thereafter by such notables as James E. Faust who recalled an interaction with President Lee from his earlier life:

“The best counsel I ever received about staying away from the edge came when, as a young married man, President Harold B. Lee called me to be a member of a bishopric. He said, “From now on, you must not only avoid evil, but also the appearance of evil.” He did not interpret that counsel. That was left to my conscience.”

What I have come to feel about this---this pairing of the words appearance and evil--- is that it makes evil seem casual…easily accessible…a descriptor of commonness; and it takes away from the intended quality of the word which is more extreme and severe. Of course, this is my opinion, but I do believe that no one would hear or read this phrase and go away thinking “I must avoid the appearance of things like murder, treason, or torture”. Such behaviors, truly evil by the definitions offered, are most certainly not ever likely to cross the mind or experience of the majority of us on the planet. But rather, this thinking results in actions such the one I described from my own life: a faithful, compassion-minded 22 year-old me having a severe panic attack when confronted by a potential photograph of me doing absolutely nothing wrong at all. So with this pairing of terms, the potential for evil becomes commonplace without changing the extreme associations of true evil as vile, heinous and wicked. This application of the term evil transforms each of us universally flawed human beings making daily mistakes into ‘evil-doers’ committing severe crimes against God and humanity. We internalize the message that our daily human actions make us evil…completely lacking in godliness and morality…and as such we are positioned to feel extreme levels of guilt and shame.

The Nature of Shame

        Shame is an emotional response to the perception of disappointing other people; of very negative feeling associate with being exposed as weak and imperfect and contemptible. We all have experienced embarrassment and shame at one point or another. But understanding shame and its affect upon our lives and choices is something only recently coming to light.

The currently and widely popular Dr. Brené Brown, a specialist in social science who studies shame and vulnerability, has explored these concepts in great depth. She has spent hundreds of hours engaged in interviewing women and men and analyzing shame and happiness and the different ways in which people respond to experiences of shortcoming. It is clear that shame has unfortunate consequences…it fuels a fire of self-loathing and discontent that eats away at our own internal abilities:

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

“Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and struggling.” 

Shame then, is something we are taught to experience frequently and our own response to it is an internalizing one: we not only feel shame when we feel inadequate…but we are taught to hold it in, hide it, and as a result we isolate our true selves from everyone. In the context of LDS life, this ‘holding in’ of our shame…our admissions of imperfection…is reinforced by the ideal of avoiding the appearance of evil. Since we have associated evil with just about anything that feels inadequate within us, we start to find ourselves being painted into a corner. We start to become boxed in on two sides by the imperative to avoid negative appearances and the power of shame to internalize. And while there are certainly social consequences we experience, such as a hyper-focusing on materialism that suggests we are in fact, good people succeeding in our spiritual lives…we also harvest an entire basket of physical, spiritual and psychological consequences. We come to a place wherein we use perfectionism as a guiding principle of our lives. As Dr. Brown has discovered:

“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.” 

These discoveries of Dr. Brown are strengthened by evidence from many sources including the national level survey conducted by the independent association of Mental Health America which showed that Utah has the highest population of depressed persons among both adults and adolescents in all of the United States.  http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/state-ranking Some Utah agencies have chosen to critique this data and I think that scientific critique is valid so I approve and agree that interpretation is highly subjective, even when using mathematical strategies of statistical analysis. However, few can argue with the prevalence and incidence of depression and depression treatment in Utah when compared with the rest of the United States. With a rate of over 10% of the population, this kind of prevalence literally fits the definition of a public health crisis.

The Appearance of Good

A few years ago, I was driving with a friend along a long stretch of busy highway through the Salt Lake Valley. She had placed into her audio system a recording of a talk given by a wise and charismatic woman who was musing over some of the problems we inadvertently create for our children as we engage in parenting them. I have tried now for quite some time to find the source to appropriately credit the author/speaker but to no avail. However she recalled a specific scenario common to all parents: siblings who are fighting. Her words went something like this:

“Stop that fighting…you cannot hit your brother! You need to apologize!”, says the parent with clarity and firmness.

“Sorry!” snaps the child in a snide and angry manner.

“SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!” presses the parent, in an effort to seek peace and compliance and put an end to the fight.

The offending child turns, softens her face and says quietly and sincerely “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you.”

And then, satisfied that all now appears well, the parent turns away and leaves them to their own devices. The parent KNOWS that the child was lying about being sorry. The authentic emotional response was one of genuine anger and dissatisfaction. And when the parent sees the first lie, the child is redirected…this time to develop one skill: to lie convincingly. Therefore…what the parent has taught reinforces and institutionalizes that what matters to them is only the appearance of good…the appearance of peace and external compliance. Each of them learns to in no way acknowledge the truth of the situation…the honesty of the emotional response…and even though ALL the parties left the scene knowing that there was no authenticity present, they left satisfied in the shared belief that all is well. And thus…the cycle begins and the value of appearance over honesty is reinforced. This need to have an adequately righteous or good appearance is strengthened by the mechanisms of shame.

“Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’; perfectionism is other-focused: ’What will they think?’”- Brené Brown

While I admit, this is only one relatively common example, the lesson here is one that should spark deep reflection in all of us. We are programmed not just to appear as though we are good, but we are programmed to believe that there is actual power in maintaining that appearance. We actually believe that it is the appearance that is the truth and we obsess about finding ways to consistently appear good, in denial of our own true nature. And in all that time it takes to focus on appearing good…we lose the opportunity to BE good. We lose the opportunity to develop our own internal pathway toward becoming persons capable of expressing our truths…good, bad, and ugly…in ways that connect us authentically as human beings. We deny ourselves the opportunity for true personal growth to move beyond that darkness with ourselves and others and become something more.

In the angry child example, the truth of the matter is found in the FIRST response of the child…the anger that led her to hit her brother. THAT is the truth. It is human. It is natural. And though it is not a desirable way to cope with the situation it is, at least, an authentic place to begin. When we can move beyond the programming to appear good by acknowledging the truth, even if the truth is dark or undesirable to us or others, at least we can learn authentic lessons from that. At least we can begin to understand our true weaknesses and strengths. And when we are free from an association that our actions fit the category of evil (which in most cases they don’t) then we can tackle our weakness from a place of compassion turned inward. We no longer fear exposing or sharing our vulnerability. We can learn, as the angry child could have that it is OK to be angry. It is OK to be frustrated. It is OK to have dark thoughts and feelings. But what is not OK is to act out in such a way as to damage ourselves, others, and the relationships between the two. What is not ok is to run away from those feelings rather than explore them. We should, rather, integrate them as honest attributes of our true selves, and then seek ways to master them and become truly better people. This is true for all things within us.

Guilt by Association

When we become mired in the tennis match between believing we are truly evil beings and believing in the desirability of appearing to be good, a number of horrific internal and external consequences emerge: Depression, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, inadequacy, guilt, anger, jealousy, and a constant striving for an unattainable appearance of goodness and perfection. We generate financial strains and social strains trying to continually have homes and vehicles and amenities that make us appear to have ‘perfect lives’. We behave in hollow ways that keep us from having authentic connections with our spouses, our children, our neighbors and all people in the world around us. Unfortunately this bi-directional struggle comes with yet another incorrect association that has grave spiritual and emotional consequences: the association of anticipated or even religiously promised blessings (outcomes) with the inauthentic application of appearing to be good. Because there are thousands of references linking authentic goodness to blessings, and because we have convinced ourselves that our appearances are actual goodness, we believe that we should have all the blessings that are promised: satisfying marriages, obedient children, financial security, health and well-being, feelings of self-worth and joy…all those things we have come to believe are evidence of a life of goodness.
But a funny thing happens: nothing at all. Yes, we may have some or many of these desired things…but for most there is often a grave, puzzling, frustrating dissatisfaction with life and self-loathing. We come to discover that something is wrong with the equation. This is one example of what psychologists call “cognitive dissonance.” A feeling of negativity, often subconscious, that what we believe and what we observe are not congruent or compatible in the expected way. Cognitive dissonance is extremely, physically upsetting to us. The already unpleasant feelings such as anxiety, inadequacy and depression are heightened, and we tend work the equation backward. In this case, because the other party involved in the equation is God, and God cannot be the one dropping the ball on His end of the deal, we assume the problem must be us. We begin to believe that we must indeed be evil in deeper, more shameful ways. And we push against that possible understanding by working even harder to appear good, conforming with all kinds of cultural definitions of what good should look like. Instead of leaning into the pain and fear and letting it reveal to us our areas for growth (as American Buddhist Pema Chodron teaches), we lean into the lie that we assume will save us. As you can imagine, this creates an impossible cycle. People become trapped; imprisoned by these four oppressive forces. I’ve created a simple figure to illustrate the point at which the prison is created and placed it below:

Opportunities for Escape

These direct, negative feelings and outcomes also present for us opportunities for deep reflection and a chance to honestly seek and answer the question “who is the real me?”  This is a question for which the LDS community-at-large could greatly benefit from continued, authentic connectivity with members of the LGBT community. Gay individuals, frankly, have had lifetimes of experiences with this battle of truth vs appearance. And as I have come to learn through my own process of coming out as gay at mid-life, I have learned that everyone, no matter who they are, has something to come out about. Essentially, we are all on the same journey of self-acceptance and betterment. We are all on the same journey of hiding and disclosing; of seeking courage through vulnerability and then escaping the prison of appearances. These skills which are so familiar to the gay community can be very useful to those who seek relief.

Unfortunately, this particular prison is a very comfortable one…and it can be terrifying to anyone seeking to leave to do so. In my opinion, this is one of the most important aspects of the overall cultural difficulty the LDS community experiences in associating with gay church members and non-church members: People who have clearly ‘come out’ and made it through to another milestone in their journey and practice of authenticity are quite threatening. I think that people who have come to terms with sharing their true nature and self with others must be perceived as the epitome of threat by those currently trapped in that prison of appearance. And frankly, when I consider this viewpoint I am filled with much more empathy and understanding for those who often reject me with such visceral responses. It takes genuine courage to be so vulnerable and honest when there are so many opposing forces to such…when all of the rules of the society state that being so open and honest is totally taboo…it is nothing short of a perceived impossibility which brings with it the fear of great potential losses of family, friends, identity, community, and respect. Most importantly, it is a direct confrontation of those human qualities within us which have been labeled as evil and we risk the most terrifying thing of all: exposure. And yet, as paradoxical as it may seem, it is in taking these risks and exposing our shortcomings and humanity and casting off the stigmatizing labels of evil that we find freedom. I do want to be clear that it is not my assertion that this mean individuals seeking freedom should feel compelled to leave the church. No one can direct the life path of another in or out of a religious community.In fact, I would honestly say I advocate for many exactly the opposite: STAY and BE. By being true and honest and vulnerable with others…by accepting shortcomings and honestly seeking to live better and to share the struggle to master self, others will find the strength to do so as well. And if and when people in our lives that we esteem so highly cast off all of the fears of appearances, it begins to strengthen our own courage to do so. However, for some, the best path may in fact be to leave their community. Regardless of the choice of the individual or family, the greatest gift that can come to the LDS community by honestly and meaningfully engaging gay persons is a cultural revolution that would remove all power from appearances. And in that change, honest connection and spirituality can return to their rightful places in the church society. As Dr. Brown has discovered, this connection between vulnerability and connectivity is vital for spirituality:

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

“ We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together."

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

I believe that I will end this little essay here, on these thought-provoking ideas of Dr. Brown. It is my own experience (and therefore in the terminology of my own LDS history, my testimony) that these things are true. I know, as well as anyone can, the spiritually destructive forces that create this prison of appearances and the freedom and restoration of joy, peace, compassion, and connection that come from moving beyond them and enacting courage through vulnerability. I recognize that the path forward for each person confronted by such a choice to be courageous is different and as such, whether a person decides to stay within or grow beyond their own affiliations and historical beliefs is as personal and self-defining as nearly any major life choice. Such paths are unique to each of us and by applying the fundamental principle of free agency we must each learn to honor and respect those journeys. At the same time, recognizing those forces which constrain us and limit us and ultimately poison our progression toward the lives and spiritually relevant afterlives we seek is something worthy of sharing, one with another.

Easter Reflections of a Gay Man

You know, the entire Passover and Easter season used to be my very favorite time of the year for spiritual renewal. Not in a social connect-with-family-and-friends-and-food sort of way…but rather because at one point 23 years ago, weeks before taking the step to officially be baptized into an organized Christian religious community, a wise old man offered me the chance to read a book called “Jesus the Christ.” To this day, I think it still stands in my mind and heart as the most touching interpretation and telling of the life of the man Jesus and his mission, without too much of the dogmatic manipulation of any specific agenda. At the time of my introduction to that book, I read the entire large volume in a week…in fact, during the entire high holy week that led to Easter Sunday so it was a very private, deep, introspective journey. It was from that book that I actually came to believe that the relationship I was supposed to have with god was, in fact, an intimate and personal one. There is something to be said for the popular lyric: “your own, personal Jesus.”

Today I find that this season means much less to me, though as I reflect on where I am at this very moment in my life…this minute, this hour, this day…I relate so very much better and more personally to the lived experiences of Jesus. A man for whom this week that is so celebrated with songs and food and family in many sacred and secular ways was really the week of his greatest angst and agony. I find it strange actually…that so many people either relate to these recorded events with a false sense of ignorant, self-deprecating awe of the ‘inaccessibility’ of the whole Atonement, or with completely superficial performances as making sure all the children’s ties and dresses match. At the end of the day, I have neither affection for nor resonance with any particular religious tradition anymore. But I do still own the personal, introspective transformational experiences that mark this week for me as I consider this man and the story of his life.

You see…I just get it.

I get the agony of no way out. I get the betrayal and rejection and abandonment of those who were supposed to be closest to you in your life. I get the persecution and judgments that fall onto you when the established church calls you either devil or apostate or worse: misguided. I get the distant adoration of people who hold you in high esteem and the irony that they have no idea of your daily agonies or burdens but are all too eager to have your blessing or comfort or healing power. I get what it is like to cry, as though blood were dripping from every pore of your body, for this to NOT be your fate…to literally beg God to take away your future for a quick and easy death or to pass the burden to someone else. I get what it is like suffer, not because of who you are, but because of who you are not: that you are not what others want, hope, believe, or expect. I get what it feels like to be a source of bitter disappointment and disapproval in your closest, chosen family when you can’t enter the streets looking and acting the part of the king and priest they want you to be or keep up appearances. I get what it is like to be profoundly lonely in your sacrifices, even while being doted over by a woman who would devote her entire existence to you if only you had the ability to receive it and return it. I get what it means to be betrayed by a friend who, more than anything, sees himself as good and who only has the best of intentions, no matter how disconnected from reality they may be. I get what it is like to have no way to go back to the way it was; no way to stay in the moment where things are; and no way to create a future that offers completeness as you had always imagined or hoped. I get what it means to literally wish to lay down your very life to protect and redeem the people you love the most and to wish to put an end to your own suffering and the stagnancy that will always come from pretending that nothing can or should change. I get what it means to be labeled as selfish and cowardly because the people who should adore you most aren’t getting what they want from you or who interpret your actions to be some sort of pursuit of selfish pleasure when you should be taking care of the needs of others as they see them from their limited viewpoints. I get what it is like to be fearful, hopeless, self-sacrificing, noble, committed, brave, loyal, unwavering, and hopeful all at the same confusing time while others look upon you as weak, arrogant, and prideful. I get what it feels like to be abused at the hands of others who feel they are only enacting the laws of god and the land as they know it while they sit in judgment of you and your ‘situation’….who reduce you to a lifestyle, a political decision, or a mental problem. I get exactly what it feels like to be held up in front of the entire population and likened unto thieves and murders by those who perceive themselves to be on the side of good.

The only thing I don’t get it what it must be like to feel the relief of all that suffering that can come only from death because you see…I don’t get that option. I can’t take my life because then I become exactly what those around me have labeled: selfish, cowardly and apostate…a murder of myself so that I can take the easy way out; a destroyer of the lives of my own sons and my own devoted “Mary” so that I just don’t have to deal with it all anymore. That doesn't stop me every day, however, from waking up in a life that feels like the garden of Gethsemane: seeing that every single breath and step will come with uncertain difficulty, and uttering mental prayers to have this ‘cup’ removed from me…to disappear into some far away land where I can exist free from pain around every public and private corner…only to know that there is no escape; to awaken with the hope that the garden of thorns and pain, will in reality be a garden of peace and safety…but to realize that it isn’t so.

Life isn’t all bad…I do have minutes, and hours, and days when the sun seems to shine warm…when it feels like I am covered by gentle palm branches that cool and comfort me. Times that feel more like the ease and peace of the earlier events of that week: triumphantly entering the city as an honored guest, dining with dear close friends who cherish you; teaching, learning, and worshiping through the presentation of your authentic self to those around you. So…it isn’t all bad. But at the same time, those moments don’t remove or deny the other truths as well…the truths that the future is unstoppable and the suffering is once again, just around the corner. At the same time, I know, just as he did, the moment of peace and relief and calm that comes from fully accepting who you are and understanding your role in life; I know the feeling that comes at that time when it just all makes sense and you no longer care because you realize you get it and most just simply know not what they do...nor will they ever; that all of this has happened before and it will all happen again. I get the feeling and hope that is the idea of redemption. And I live in hope that these transitions I constantly find myself in will eventually result in the ressurection to a new and complete life. 

So you see… while I may not choose to ascribe to any religious practice anymore (why would I willing spend every day subjecting myself to crowds of misunderstanding, mockery, judgment, and at times outright verbal abuse...or worse, the pretend love of Judas' kiss in public with the knives of betrayal in private?)...I most certainly retain in my heart a very deep, profound, and intimate connection with the man Jesus and his life and death. Some may read these words and think I am comparing myself to God and as such that I am arrogant and blasphemous. I am not making that comparison in any way. I have never once in my life thought highly enough of myself to propose that I own any kind of godlike perfection. But what I do get is the intimate workings of the mind of a man so grossly misunderstood as to live and die in profound loneliness, surrounded simultaneously by people who both adored and despised him. I get it. I get it all. My own, personal Jesus.

By: Aaron T.